1. What is COSA? COSA is a recovery program for men and women whose lives have been affected by compulsive sexual behavior. COSA is open to anyone whose life has been affected by compulsive sexual behavior. While there are no dues or fees for membership, most face-to-face groups pass a basket for contributions since COSA is entirely self-supporting and declines outside donations. Since passing a basket is not possible on a telemeeting call, we encourage members to make a donation directly to our International Service Organization (from May 06 you can also send your donation using paypal).
2. What are the 12 steps and 12 traditions? The COSA recovery program has been adapted from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon. It is a program for our spiritual development, no matter what our religious beliefs. As we meet to share our experience, strength and hope while working the twelve steps, we grow stronger in spirit. We begin to lead our lives more serenely and in deeper fulfillment, little by little, one day at a time. Only in this way can we be of help to others.
3. Is this a religious group? COSA does not demand that you believe anything. All of our 12 steps are but suggestions. You don’t have to agree with all of the 12 steps to get or stay sober. All you really need is an open mind to begin this spiritual program. Whether agnostic, atheist, reformed believer or religious, we share one thing in common … the belief that true humility and an open mind are necessary to be restored to sanity. You’ll hear stories of how others in the fellowship believe or came to believe in a power greater than themselves (some call it Higher Power, God, God as we understand God, Spirit, etc.). Our fellowship is open to people from all faiths and religions, the only requirement for membership is that your life has been affected by another’s compulsive sexual behavior.
4. How do I know this is the place for me? Attend at least 6 meetings before you decide if COSA is right for you. Listen to others – what they are working on and what is happening in their life. Connect with others either in fellowship after the meeting or through Program calls. Meetings are like people, they have different personalities, so try different meetings and find one you relate to. Keep Coming Back.
5. How many meetings should I attend a week? As many as you can get to – and many supplement their COSA meetings with AA, Al-Anon, CODA, SLAA or other 12 step meetings. Look for a list of face-to-face meetings in your area at www.cosa-recovery.org.
6. How is the meeting run? We open and close the meeting with a prayer, read a couple things, introduce ourselves (by first name only and how we identify ourselves in recovery – see question #8 for more on this), a guest speaker or guest reader reads or shares their experience, strength and hope in recovery, the meeting opens up for general sharing (see Question #11 for description about ‘sharing’), brief announcements about COSA are shared and the meeting formally closes.
7. What if I don’t know or don’t relate to the prayers? You can find the words to the prayers we use in the readings at the cosacall.com website. You might find different readings used at face-to-face meetings. It’s okay if there are readings or prayers you don’t like, ‘take what you like and leave the rest’.
8. How do I know how to identify myself? When people in the fellowship are introducing themselves they say their first name and then an identification of what they are in recovery for. Some of the ways you might hear others identify themselves in our fellowship include: partner of a sex addict, codependent, co-addict, ex-partner of a sex addict, addict, and others. This is a personal choice and often comes with time and from listening to how others identify themselves and talking with others about the distinctions they see in how they choose to identify themselves. It is okay to say “I don’t know” until you find what works best for you. How people self-identify may change over time as people work the steps.
9. When can I ask questions? Most people come to their first meeting scared, anxious and filled with many questions. We encourage you to ask questions, but please save them for the fellowship time after the meeting unless the meeting has a ‘Question and Response’ format in the meeting itself. Some people express a question during their share and then let the group know if they would like to talk with others after the meeting. The Question & Response format is not a ‘dialogue’; rather it usually allows time to pose a question and then up to three timed responses from members of the fellowship.
10. When do I get to talk? During the meeting there is time set aside for people to ‘share’. Everyone is invited to share, but no one is obligated to do so. We try to be respectful of the amount of time we take, allowing for others to have time to share as well. We find about 3 minutes of uninterrupted time to speak is reasonable and respectful. It takes courage to speak and patience to listen. It’s okay to pass if you are getting what you need from listening or don’t feel ready yet. Most of us find relief in both sharing and listening to others’ share.
11. What is sharing? "Share" is the term we use to communicate our feelings and experiences of the moment or the past, problems and solutions, fears or hopes, and defeats or victories. When it is our turn to share we speak about our own experience and share in “I” statements. When someone is sharing, we listen without comment. It helps us to share with others with a common problem; there is something special about hearing that others have done that, been there, and gotten through it. Through our shares we come to believe that we can get through anything, with the help of others, without going back to the destructive behavior that brought us to the point of desperation in the first place. Many of us find it helpful to keep our share focused on recent experiences and events. We are not in the meeting to advise, soothe, or solve other people's problems. We can share what we have done to change our own behavior, but not what we think someone else should do.
12. What is Crosstalk? Crosstalk is: giving unsolicited feedback, giving advice, responding or referring to another person’s share in the meeting, making you and we statements, minimizing another person’s feeling or experiences, physical contact or touch, addressing another person present by name when you are sharing. So to help keep our meeting a safe place, we do our best not to crosstalk or offer feedback in the meeting, instead we try to "learn to listen and listen to learn.” We work toward taking responsibility in our own lives, rather than giving advice to others.
13. How can I let someone know I relate to a situation they are experiencing in a safe way? You can make program calls after the meeting, one-on-one, and ask if it’s okay to refer to something they shared. If they say no, respect their boundary. If they say yes, keep in mind we do not give advice, rather we share how someone else’s situation or story has moved us or reminded us of something from our past or something we are also working on. It is okay to share our experience, strength and hope with someone we relate to and it feels good to receive it when there is no expectation or hidden agenda. We find it helps to approach someone because we want to acknowledge how something they said has helped us, or because we want to ask them a question – rather than to help them.
14. What is a burning desire? A burning desire is the term we use when we feel a strong need to share a second time in a meeting.
15. What is a Program Call? A program call is simply an attempt to reach out by phone between meetings to someone in recovery. You may have questions about the COSA program or want to share more about what has brought you to the meetings. You can contact the telemeeting coordinator at cosacall@yahoo.com for a list of those who are open to being contacted by phone or email.
16. Is the Meeting Secretary the leader of the group? No. The Secretary position is rotated among members in the group. The Secretary is a volunteer acting in service to the group. Everyone present in the meetings has equal responsibility for following the 12 traditions of our program and speaking up if there is a concern. COSA meetings are not group therapy and not led by a professional therapist.
17. What is the commitment to confidentiality? Confidentiality is key to feeling safe in our meetings. Each time we meet we hear the words: “What you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here.” And we recommit to maintaining confidentiality by responding “Here, here.” Our 12th tradition offers clear guidance that we “place principles before personalities.” To help us practice this tradition and protect confidentiality, we don’t refer to another person by name in the meeting. On a program call or in fellowship with others it is okay to share how something someone said affected you, just remember to leave the personal details and person’s name out of it. For example, “I heard someone share at a meeting the other night about shame, it made me realize …”
18. What is a Service Position? The meeting depends on its members to be of service in the following ways: a secretary; a treasurer; a greeter; a voicemail person; an email person; and an intergroup representative. Telemeetings have a secretary and telemeeting coordinator (someone who manages the website and email group). Service is a great way to keep us coming back and sober.
19. What is a Business Meeting? The group holds a meeting once a month where matters concerning or affecting the health and well-being of the meeting are addressed. The current Secretary runs the business meeting following a set structure. All decisions are made by Group Conscience.
20. What is Group Conscience? This is the process we use to make all decisions in the group. A motion is made, seconded and discussed before the Secretary asks for a verbal acknowledgment: those in favor, opposed, and abstaining. Group conscience is expressed through a majority vote.
21. What does it mean to be ‘sober’ in COSA and what are ‘Circles’? Being sober means different things to different people. It is a great question to ask people once you’ve gotten to know someone a little. Not everyone is comfortable sharing their ‘inner circle behaviors’. It’s okay to ask, but be respectful and accept when someone isn’t ready to share about it. Inner circle behaviors are the behaviors from which someone is trying to abstain. Middle circle behaviors are behaviors that could be healthy or could be unhealthy depending on how we use them. Some of us watch these behaviors as possible indicators that we are slipping towards using inner circle behaviors. Outer circle behaviors are activities and behaviors we engage in to keep us healthy and we replace the inner circle behaviors with. Most of us find it helpful to do this work with the help of our sponsor/cosponsor. Ultimately it is up to us to do our own work to define the boundaries of our own behaviors and not have them be dependent on another’s.
22. What is a ‘slip’? When someone engages in one of their inner circle behaviors (something they have committed to themselves and their sponsor or cosponsor not to do), they may refer to it as a ‘slip’.
23. What is a sponsor or cosponsor? Since isolation perpetuates addictive behaviors, it is important to not try to work the steps alone. A sponsor is someone who has worked some of the steps (ideally has completed their 5th step) and has agreed to work with you as you begin to work the steps. If you are unable to find a sponsor to work with, look for a cosponsor. A cosponsor is someone who is also beginning to work the steps and, like a study partner, works the steps with you. A temporary sponsor is someone who agrees to sponsor you until you can secure a permanent sponsor or cosponsor. This arrangement allows you to proceed with your step work while you continue to search for sponsorship. There is no ‘right’ way to sponsor or cosponsor, there are many successful models. Talk with people about their experiences and figure out what feels best for you. Many of us use Twelve Step Sponsorship: How It Works, written by Hamilton B. – sponsors and sponsees can benefit from this resource.
24. What does it mean to “work the steps”? Working the steps helps you to realize that many of your problems have a solution. The Promise of the program is that when you are diligent in working the steps, you will achieve recovery over your addictive behaviors.
25. What does it mean to “Give a 1st step”? Working with a sponsor or cosponsor, we write our story of what we are powerless over and how our lives have become unmanageable. It has been our group’s tradition that an individual be working with a sponsor or cosponsor in order to present their 1st step at a face-to-face meeting. The 1st step presenter’s sponsor/cosponsor introduces them and they have 25 minutes of uninterrupted time to share their step with the group. We do not give formal first steps on the telemeeting.
26. What is ISO? COSA’s International Service Organization is all of us who volunteer to do the national– and international-level work needed to operate our fellowship. To learn more about ISO’s on-line meetings, long-distance sponsorship, newsletter (The Balance), and the annual conventions go to www.cosa-recovery.org.
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